Miami Dolphins to Appear in HBO's "Hard Knocks"

I know what you're thinking, the title of this post should be, "Miami Dolphins to Appear on HBO's 'Hard Knocks' Because Every Other NFL Team Turned HBO Down." Yeah, that sounds about right.

When you look at the Miami Dolphins roster, you see Reggie Bush and a lot of guys with unknown personalities. Who knows, these guys could be funny and show a lot of heart. The saddest part is they got rid of the most watchable and unpredictable player in the NFL, Brandon Marshall. C'mon, that guy would have given me so much comedy material!

Here are some of the possible story lines we will see on this season's "Hard Knocks".

- The Dolphins will allow Chris Bosh, Lebron James, and Dwyane Wade to suit up for a few practices. I can see Brian Windhorst covering that for ESPN's laughable 'Heat Index."

- Reggie Bush is no longer dating Kim Kardashian, that is old news. He is currently dating her stunt-double, Melissa Molinaro. HBO will make sure to have the cameras on her quite a bit. Look below and pick which one is Kardashian and which one is Molinaro.

- David Garrard can tell the story about how 10 of the worst teams wanted to sign him last season, but he waited until the last minute to have surgery.

- Everyone FINALLY gets to know the answer to " Is Joe Philbin related to Regis?"

- We get to know Vernon Davis' unstable brother, Vontae.

- Karlos Dansby will do an impression of Kurt Warner at least five times during "Hard Knocks".

- Anthony Fasano will finally admit that Brady Quinn is currently sleeping on his couch.

- A poutine eating contest will be officiated by former Canadian Football League player Cameron Wake.

- Jake Long will lead us to the place where Mike Hart's career is buried. (Hint: It is in Ann Arbor)

- Richard Marshall tells his teammates that he's Brandon, since Brandon told half of his teammates that he was either Richard or Mandingo for most of the season.

- Legedu Naanee hosts a team Spelling Bee.

- Mike Pouncey, Will Barker, and Nate Garner will go shirtless until everyone pays them $1,000. If that goes well, they will go nude until a rookie pokes their eyes out. That is what the veterans call the classic "Darwinian Cut."

- The shell of Steve Slaton pretends that he can still play football.

- Finally, the team has a scavenger hunt with Reggie Bush's Heisman trophy as the only item listed. (The scavenger hunt was sponsored by all of the past Heisman winners)

Why Your Team Will Not Win The Super Bowl

Right now, every NFL fan thinks their team is going to be a Super Bowl contender. Only one team wins every year, so most fans leave the season dejected and deflated. I want to help you out and push you off the ledge and take that cup of kool-aid out of your hand. It's better to realize now that your team is bad, rather than wait until the playoffs, or if you're a Lions fan, Week three. Read this and see why your team isn't going to win the Super Bowl in 2009.

Arizona Cardinals - Your quarterback is nearly a grandpa and you drafted a fragile running back to anchor your backfield. If the injury bug hits, it could devastate worse than the plague.

Atlanta Falcons - Michael Turner aged four years last season by getting more than 370 carries and Matt Ryan isn't Peyton Manning....yet.

Baltimore Ravens - If you take Derrick Mason out of the line-up, I have more career catches than the rest of the wide-receiving corps combined.

Buffalo Bills - Remember when Marcus Stroud was good? Buffalo fans have no memory of it. The NFL Odds will be stacked against them this year.

Carolina Panthers - You had your chance last season, but Delhomme literally gave the game away. Also, the Panthers have never had back-to-back seasons of over .500 football.

Chicago Bears - You traded two future first-round picks and a neckbeard for a diabetic quarterback. Is it me or does he have a little Jeff George in him?

Cincinnati Bengals - Ask the Chiefs and Cowboys how they did after being on "Hard Knocks." Also, Chad Ochocinco will have his twitter feed pumped through his helmet by mid-season.

Cleveland Browns - Braylon Edwards can't catch a pass Josh Cribbs isn't your answer. Also, your quarterback has been on the cover of Men's Fitness once every fiscal quarter. How about Brady Quinn spend more time watching film and less working on his abs.

Dallas Cowboys - Jessica Simpson is gone...the jinx is gone! Unfortunately, Wade Phillips is still your coach. Good news, you have a sweet tv above your field.

Denver Broncos - Your quarterback has broken finger and a neckbeard and your #1 receiver hates your city.

Detroit Lions - Let me know when you win a game and then we can think of something witty about you losing a Super Bowl.

Green Bay Packers - Your defensive backs are so old that they probably owned pagers. I remember when they played in college, I did quite a bit of NCAA football betting on the teams that they played for.

Houston Texans - A lot of people are picking your team as a dark horse. They forgot that you have to play the Colts and Titans twice every year.

Indianapolis Colts - Bob Sanders is injured again, I guess you better get Maurice Jones-Drew, Steve Slaton, and Chris Johnson on your fantasy team, they are going to be racking up a lot of yards against the Colts.

Jacksonville Jaguars - If you lose a game and no fan is there to watch it, did you really lose a game? The way that they are selling tickets there, maybe they won't lose any games this season.

Kansas City Chiefs - Your team still smells like Herm Edwards.

Miami Dolphins - Your team is partially owned by Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. They sent a memo that the "wildcat" formation will now be known as "El Gato Loco"

Minnesota Vikings - Brett Favre has a torn shoulder and he'll want to pass on every down. Adrian Peterson might as well line up as the slot receiver.

New England Patriots - Your team traded or forced all of their veterans on defense to retire after last season. You better get used to 49-48 games this season.

New Orleans Saints - They can definitely score points, but let me know when their cornerbacks can cover an NFL receiver.

New York Giants - The last time Mario Manningham caught a pass, he was in college. Now he's one of your main targets. Good luck with that Giants fans.

New York Jets - New coach, rookie quarterback, old running back, weak receiving corps...Super Bowl Champions! Mike Greenberg's head would explode, leaving a thick film of hair gel on everything.

Oakland Raiders - Maybe if Tom Cable took some of that aggression and punched some of his players in the face, they would win some games.

Philadelphia Eagles - Your quarterback looks like he has gained 20 pounds and he's very thin-skinned. The fans are already chanting Michael Vick's name, I'm sure McNabb can handle it, right?

Pittsburgh Steelers - Your team has the most obnoxious fanbase of any team. No matter what I say here, you're still going to be crazy. So go wave your yellow blankies and drink your Iron City beer.

San Diego Chargers - It's not good when you're star linebacker is choking bi-sexual asian women.

San Francisco 49ers - Mike Singletary is a scary man, the Niners will be pissing themselves if they drop a pass or miss an assignment. I would recommend wearing a diaper under your jock strap.

Seattle Seahawks - Jim Mora Jr. is your head coach. That's not the better and more entertaining Jim Mora. Remember when Jim Mora Jr. called on a cell phone during a game? He's clueless.

St. Louis Rams - They let their best player leave, Torry Holt, and they still have no quarterback.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Someone should tell them that you can only play one quarterback at a time, so there is no need to have that many on your roster.

Tennessee Titans - Kerry Collins is an old man and your back-up still has his tail between his legs from an interception he threw last season.

Washington Redskins - Was Jim Zorn ready to be a head coach? I think I know at least 53 guys who wouldn't think so.

Unused NFL Nicknames

I'm growing tired of the nicknames players either give themselves or announcers coin a nickname by used first initial and the beginning of last name (A-Rod). Also, enough with the recycling of nicknames, LaDanian Tomlinson is not "LT," that nickname should only be used for Lawrence Taylor. My list of nicknames are ones the players never use, because most of them I made myself.
Use them in sentences and blog posts, let's get these in the vernacular of sports fan and establish them in the sports lexicon. Okay, I'll stop using words that I learned in Linguistics class.

Maurice Jones-Drew - The Hyphen

Peyton Manning - The Good Son

LaDanian Tomlinson - The Forgotten

Hank Baskett - The NFL's Rick Fox

Terrell Owens - The QB Killer

Tony Romo - Page Six

Matt Schaub - 10-Game All Star

Brian Westbrook - Day-To-Day

Plaxico Burress - Six Shooter

Michael Vick - The Postman

Steve Slaton - The Mosquito

Brandon Jacobs - Diesel

Kurt Warner - The Octo-Dad

Pierre Thomas - The French Tickler

Vishante Shiancoe - The Kickstand

Chris Cooley - The Streak

Wes Welker - America's White Boy (I'll let him use it)

Brandon Marshall - Fast Food

Darius Heyward-Bey - Unlucky

Knowshon Moreno - Leapfrog

Shaun Rogers - BBQ Rib Combo

Jay Cutler - Huggies

Beanie Wells - Injured Reserve

Jerricho Cotchery - Armadgeddon

Torry Holt - I'm A Jag?

Steve Breaston - Bouncing

Kyle Orton - The Hillbilly

Sage Rosenfels - Paprika

Chris Brown - 3rd String